The Silent Weight: What the BBC Series ‘Babies’ Teaches Us About the Grief We Don’t Share

The BBC series Babies is a breathtaking exploration around the unbelieveably tough topics of infertility, miscarriages and the battles around misaligned communication in rleationships . For many watching the show, it can feel like their inner most vulnerabilities being depicted on the small screen which can be uncomfortable and difficult to watch; for others watching it, the show provides an insight into a struggle which is real for their friends & family members but yet not openly discussed or spoken about in everyday conversation.

While the topics of miscarriages, infertility, baby loss are  difficult topics to discuss, to experience these circumstances are, well, difficult to sometimes even articulate.  The BBC series, 'Babies' follows the characters of the show who are experiencing these struggles and the subsequent emotional challenges which as come up while navigating infertility, babies and their own personal struggles.  These topics definintely are not candid, 'water-cooler', on the run discussion topics- they do no need time, space and care before we can even start to talk about the topics.  Yet, they are topics which need to be spoken about and explored.  The BBC series is by no means the first TV series to explore these topics and there are numerous resources available which do  explore these areas and provide more insight and support.  The point is that even thought it is difficult to chat about, the more these topics are depicted in everyday media hopefully over time the less taboo and difficulty will be around the topics and make it easier for people to discuss and reach out for support.

These experiences stories of miscarriages, missed miscarriages, and the grueling marathon of infertility struggles are heavy, yet they are often still carried in absolute silence.

The Walls We Build

When a pregnancy ends before it begins, or when the "two pink lines" refuse to appear month after month, a unique kind of grief sets in. Unlike other losses, there is often no funeral, no public wake, and no collective mourning.

In a relationship, this silence can become a physical presence. We often stop speaking about our pain, not because we don't feel it, but because of:

• The Fear of Rejection: 'If I show how broken I am, will my partner still see me as "whole"?' or 'If I tell her that I don't want to try again, I will be letting her down'

  • People in relationships understandably will struggle to articulate what they they are feeling, for the fear that if they do say excatly how they feel about the infertility struggle, they risk being rejected by their partner.  At a time in a relationship whereby you do need to rely on each other for support, the fear of rejection by openly admitting what is going on for you emotionally could be more damaging in the long run.

• Protective Silence: "They are already hurting; I shouldn't add my burden to theirs." or "My feelings in this situation does not matter as much as hers.  Her body. Her choice"

  • The idea of keeping quiet has the qualities of protecting oneself from the potential of getting really emotionally hurt.  Unfortunately, it also means that by keeping silent, you are then adding to your own emotional burden.  It is very difficult to find the right words or the right time to say what you want to say - but even though the phrase is 'silence is golden'; sometimes it takes more courage to speak about what is hurting you too.

• Vulnerability Aversion: Admitting that your body feels like it "failed" (even though it hasn't) is a terrifying level of exposure.

  • It is an understandble tactic to adopt to avoid being vulnerable as it means you are protecting yourself.  Yet, there are times when allowing yourself to be vulnerable, especially with a partner around a discussion of fertility, takes courage.  Again, there are times and spaces whereby you can allow yourself to be vulnerable, but it is definitely an important aspect which needs to addressed, when it comes to speaking about infertility.

When Grief Looks Different

One of the greatest strains on a couple is the assumption that grief should look identical.

• The Missed Miscarriage: This brings a specific kind of trauma—the "silent" loss where the body continues to act pregnant while the life has ended. The betrayal felt by the person carrying the child can be impossible to articulate.

There is a poignant scene in the BBC series 'Babies' whereby the couple attend their 12 -week scan only to be informed that there is no heartbeat.  The pain and the disbelief that is shown on the faces of the characters is incredibly powerful.  Moreover, what is shown after that scene whereby they go home and try to 'carry on' - making themselves toast, getting a drink, putting dishes away, sums up the awfulness of the situation - life carries on even when something as awful as a missed miscarriage has happened.  The stilted dialogue between the characters also shows the awful pain felt but not openly expressed; a moment later when the female character goes to her room and openly sobs also sums up the all-encompassing pain comes with this situation.  The pain that is felt is behind closed doors and way too hard to feel in the open and even in front of a partner.

• The Infertility Loop: The monthly cycle of hope and mourning can turn a partnership into a clinical arrangement, draining the joy and intimacy until all that’s left is a shared sense of inadequacy.

When one partner grieves through outward tears and the other through internal withdrawal, the gap between them can feel like a canyon. Without words, "giving space" can look like "abandonment," and "trying to move on" can look like "not caring."  Being able to recognise that grief looks different not only in different circumstances but also for different people in the same situation or even in a relationship together, is important to remember.  It is not about trumping each other's grief experience; rather acknowledging that how they might be processing their grief is different which needs recognition and acceptance.

Breaking the Silence

The BBC’s Babies reminds us that humans are wired for connection. That connection shouldn't end just because the path to parenthood hit a devastating detour.

Healing doesn't require "getting over it"; it requires getting through it together.

If you are currently in the thick of this silence, here are three ways to start tearing down the walls:

1. Label the Fear: Instead of saying "I'm sad," try saying, "I'm afraid to talk about this because I don't want to make you feel worse." Naming the barrier often removes its power.  Using 'I' statements can also be incredibly powerful; it allows ownership of what is happening for you as well as opens the door for your partner to be able to name what they are feeling too.

2. Acknowledge the Different Timelines: Accept that one of you might be "okay" on Tuesday while the other is drowning. This isn't a lack of solidarity; it’s just the nature of grief.  The nature of grief is that it hits people differently and shows up in their lives differently.  Even if you are in a committed and happy relationship, grief ( and grief around infertility) is going to come up differently for everyone.  There is no timeline for grief and so understanding that each person in the relationship will grieve differently, is okay.

3. Seek a Third Voice: Sometimes, the "vulnerability hangover" is too much to handle alone. Whether it’s a support group or a counsellor, having a safe space to externalize the loss of a missed miscarriage or the weight of infertility can save a relationship.  By opting for a third voice, it also means you are allowing someone else to create and hold the space for you while you work through your feelings.  It can also help you to learn how to communicate better with each other, when in a space created by a third party.

You Are Not a "Failed" Story

If you watched Babies and felt a pang of "what if" or "why not us," know that your story is just as significant as the ones on screen. Your resilience in the face of loss is a testament to the depth of your love.

The silence might feel safe, but it is a lonely fortress. By choosing to be vulnerable—by admitting the fear, the anger, and the exhaustion—you aren't just mourning a loss; you are rebuilding the bridge back to each other.

It is okay, not to be okay and it is okay to struggle to find the words or articulate clearly what you need or want, while navigating infertility, miscarriages and baby loss.  Sometimes it might be that you need to write down what it is that is going on for you; othertimes you might find screaming it out loud can also help.  Whatever helps you at that time, is okay.  The important takeaway that needs to be reiterated is that, please don't suffer in silence.  There are people, organisations and charities out there who can help.  You might feel alone and isolated and truly unable to even think about reaching out to someone for help, but even if it is the only action you take today - if you are struggling, please be reassured that there is help out there.